I feel like my needs and wants have been at odds with each other lately, that my chronic pain and fatigue keeps me static, and it’s a lot.
I desperately want to be more social, to develop a close social circle, but I’m also generally so fucking exhausted, overwhelmed, and in need of tons of rest and downtime for myself.
I want to date cute trans queers, cuddle them, kiss them, have lunch dates and go for walks, but I usually don’t start me day until closer to the afternoon and find it exceptionally difficult to even get up, let alone dressed, and to go outside.
I also really want to have more awesome group sex with my partners and friends, engage in the kinks I love, explore new intimate experiences with new people, but I’m struggling a lot with insecurity, negative self-talk, and feel really anxious about initiating or seeking out those experiences.
It’s frustrating. I wish didn’t feel so sore and in pain all of the time. I wish I could walk longer before needing to stop. I wish I didn’t feel so overwhelmed at social events or when going out. I wish I didn’t feel so tired.
It doesn’t help that the last time I went out with somebody new for a coffee and a walk they bulldozed my boundaries and sexually assaulted me. It makes feeling safe while trying to branch out a lot more difficult. I feel on edge about new people, worried that somebody new to my polycule could take away from the time and connections I currently have with my partners; which is so important to me. And I fear bad faith folks hiding in plain sight, causing hurt to those I love
Most days I honestly just want to sit, cuddle my partners, watch some comfort shows, and maybe do some writing or play a game or something; which I do absolutely love. But there’s also this deep need to have more of a friend group again, and to have fun and fulfilling social, emotional, physical, and sexual experiences!
It’s just too bad that everything hurts and I’m constantly, absolutely, wiped.
But hey, I’m still a hot as fuck queer with great dick, so I’m sure I’ll meet and attract the right people for me!