It feels like “Nillin” has barely had a chance to fully exist yet, and then I blink, and suddenly I’m already 40!
I guess it makes sense. I only really came out as queer and trans in the early 2010s, at which point I was 26 and practically vibrating with gay need. But that’s what’s so weird about celebrating turning 40… I don’t feel like I lived my first 26 years, That was an entirely different person.
Fact is, I’ve had two lives in one. The first was a closeted, bitter, self-repressed boy who drank heavily, avoided his dreams, and would sneak out of his parents basement to suck stranger dick in nearby parking lots because the thought of anyone knowing he was queer filled him with guilt and shame. The second, this life I find myself in now, is as loud, proud, openly queer and gender nonconforming author and educator who hosts sex parties, rallies communities, and strives to empower those around them. But that life, as Nillin, has only been around for twelve-ish years, plus growing pains.
But somehow I’m 40? How!?
Not that I’m feeling terrible about it. My 30s were a time of massive change, including overwhelming successes and heartbreaking failures. I’ve been married, divorced, been through the ringer of polyamory fuck-ups, achieved my dreams of becoming an author, won awards, educated thousands, travelled the country, and more. And I’m genuinely looking forward to this next decade! There’s so much to be excited about, including how I’m going to fucking kill it as a genderqueer silver fox.
At a furmeet I recently hosted the younger attendees called me elder, and uncle. I’m surprised at how good and natural that felt. There was no sadness to it, or resistance on my part, and I think that says a lot about how much I’ve grown over the years. Here’s to my hot, genderqueer, silver fox era!
Thank you to my partner and friends for some sexy fun at the mansion this week!
My second book, Carry On: Unpacking Your Internalized Transphobic and Queerphobic Baggage, is officially out on shelves! I hope you consider picking it up and checking it out for yourself. You can also preorder my third book, Nonmonogamy and Queer Inclusivity, which releases November 3rd, 2026.
If you’d like to support my 2SLGBTQ+ based writing, advocacy, and education work please consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi!