I’ve been thinking an awful lot about my needs and wants when it comes to relationships lately. In early 2021, shortly after the big parts of the pandemic lockdown were starting to lift, I was in a pretty chaotic state of being. Following months of emotional turmoil, gaslighting, arguments, manipulation, intimidation, and yelling, all culminating into an unbearably abusive living situation, I finally moved out of my condo and formally separated from my spouse, only to then find myself living with a friend turned verbally abusive roommate.
I was hurting, scared, tired, disconnected, and felt like I was just floating around in uncertainty with nothing tying me down, and no safe place to call home.
Much of my life up until this point had been spent living for others, rather than for myself, so, this was really new to me. Everything that I had done was because of what was expected of me, not what I truly wanted or needed for myself. I didn’t have the tools to properly speak or advocate for myself, to cope with the existing trauma of an abusive childhood and queerphobic family, did not know how to set firm boundaries, or to express my needs, wants, and desires confidently or articulately. Not only had I never been taught any of those skills, but I had actively been controlled, guilted, manipulated, and shamed from a young age by various people who were emotionally and intimately close to me, and sought to actively hinder my independence and growth.
My entire youth and teenage years were spent walking on eggshells, emotionally monitoring my dad to protect myself from his anger and mood swings, and actively having my boundaries, bodily autonomy, and communication attempts undermined and violated by family and within all of the intimate connections I explored. Then, so was my first major relationship in my early-twenties, followed by an equally toxic marriage that was also all of those things. So, once I was out of the pandemic, and away from that, I was ready to finally center myself! I desperately wanted to pursue the life that I wanted to live, and have the experiences that brought me joy and excitement.
How that essentially boiled down was that I became a relationship anarchist.
Everything, With Everyone, All at Once
Generally speaking, I wanted to keep myself open to any and all possible relationships, developing in any way that they may naturally do, without hindrance or shame or control, and to allow myself full bodily autonomy as well as sexual and emotional freedom the likes of which I’d never had before. And in theory, that was great!
A year after my separation, during the Spring of 2022, I had 6 partners, 3 FwBs / hookup pals, and a few casual play friends who I’d occasionally have group sex with or fool around with at events and gatherings. I was getting a lot of action, having a lot of cool experiences, was surrounded by trans queer cuties, and generally felt quite wanted and appreciated, and yet something felt off too. I was spread thin, dissociating a lot, tired, distracted, and just kind of let myself go with the flow. Only problem was that some of my partners and lovers weren’t particularly happy and ended up lashing out in a way that made me feel insecure, inadequate, and like I couldn’t talk about my other partnerships, or enjoy them ethically, any longer.
While I was technically doing what I set out to do, everything eventually imploded as miscommunication, fear, jealousy, and competition for my attention permeated among my increasingly unhappy polycule. It wasn’t great. A mix of poor judgment and impulsivity on my part mixed with my feeling as if I was once again having to meet the unreasonable expectations of others and to walk on eggshells, compromise on my values, and place myself secondary yet again. I know that it didn’t have to be this way, but that’s how it played out, and by Summer 2022 everything ended rather spectacularly in a series of back-to-back breakups. Some of which sucked, but were manageable, while others were exceedingly harmful and have had long term affects on my mental health, wellness, and trauma recovery even now.
Not that it was all bad! I did manage to learn a lot about myself, I get to host and attend a handful of orgies and sex parties at the mansion, plus I started seeing Fenric and Queer Prairie Kitten. I also eventually began to attend more regular and thoughtful trauma therapy, and was diagnosed with as Autistic with ADHD and complex PTSD, all of which has been immensely illuminating with helping me better understand myself and the bonds that I had been forming.
But it’s impossible to overlook how much that year was ruled by decisions made to distract myself from trauma, and to cope with the severe depression, low self-worth, and dissociation that had overtaken me after fleeing so many toxic homes and hurtful connections.
Taking Space and Time for Me
Nowadays I have a much quieter existence. I live in two households with my partners Verne and Fenric, operating on a consistent schedule between both homes throughout the week. Outside of that I get to see Queer Prairie Kitten when our schedules allow, and I still enjoy non-monogamy in the form of threesome and group sex with my partners, as well as various members of my polycule. Whether it’s Fenric and I cuddling and fooling around with Gwyndolin, or us visiting with our play friends in Regina, or me watching my metamours fuck at a mansion party, there are plenty of avenues for me to have my non-monogamous needs met in ways that feel safe, yet still exciting.
As it stands now, I feel so comfortable, happy, and fulfilled with my relationships, and my weekly schedule, that the thought of adding anything more feels immensely overwhelming. This just all really clicks for me in surprisingly important ways. My ADHD often makes strict scheduling very difficult to stick to, but being Autistic also makes me need at least some degree of familiarity and consistency. How things have been going over the past year has been immensely better for my Autistic needs and, I feel, my healing journey as well.
Overall, I am not seeking any additional partnerships for myself, and I don’t even feel that I have the capacity for a regular FWBs right now either. I wouldn’t be able to commit to it in any meaningful or consistent way. At most I’d probably enjoy just doing some chill group play with partners, metamours, and poylcule in general. After everything that’s happened over the last decade and more, I’m exhausted. I’m still learning more about my needs as an Autistic person and I’ve literally just begun my healing journey from deep seeded, long term trauma and multiple experiences of emotional, verbal, sexual, domestic, and gender based violence dating back to my childhood the way up to just this past year. That’s where my focus really needs to be.
But I’m safe now. I have stable homes and supportive bonds and that means I finally have the chance to prioritize myself and my healing in a conductive and empowering environment and I fully intend to commit myself to those efforts. I just need calm, cuddles, headpats, and loving handjobs from safe people, y’all.
Of course I’m always open to looking at things again down the road, but folks… I’m really enjoying this peace and balance I have. I can finally breathe and just be.
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