So here’s the deal: in all my messy cum eating, ethical public threesome having, hardcore furry porn reading, and honeydew melon fucking kinkiness one thing that I STILL have a lot of weird fucking hangups about is anal sex. But not anal sex in general, just anal sex as in me being on the receiving end. I love fucking or fingering other people in the ass, hell I’ve even ate somebody else’s ass and dug that too! When it comes to receiving anal pleasure myself though I get SUPER anxious, self-conscious, and avoidant, despite the fact that I know I enjoy it!
No really! I used to fuck my own ass ALL the time throughout my teens and twenties. I’d use everything I could: my fingers, phallic shaped vegetables, markers, a screwdriver handle, the neck of a beer bottle, basically if it felt even remotely half decent in my butt while I masturbating then I was pounding myself with it.
Then somewhere along the way I got weird about it and stopped playing with my ass entirely.
It’s something that continues to frustrate and confound me still today, so, when I heard that the Trysexuals were making anal the topic for their most recent Monthly Fixation I knew it was time to unpack this bizarre anal aversion.
So come along, friends! Join me on this journey of self-realization as I get deeply, possibly uncomfortably specific, about what the hell is behind my emotional issues on butt stuff!
Internalizing Queer Shame, Trauma, & Getting Disowned
Okay, so, first off I gotta show myself a little fucking patience and understanding for struggling with this because recent years haven’t exactly made fully embracing my sexuality, gender, and queer sexual pleasure all that easy. I came out publicly as queer and trans in 2014 and since then I’ve experienced a ton of invalidation from various queer communities, all while I was subjected to daily street harassment and intimidation for years, was disowned by almost the entirety of my immediate family (as well as my relatives), and tried my best to cope with a few experiences of past sexual trauma.
That’s a lot of shit to happen in just a few fucking years and I’m only scratching the surface by not getting into the 27-ish years of queerphobic, emotional, financial, and verbal abuse from my dad.
With that in mind it’s no fucking wonder that I’ve still got hangups over a sex act typically associated with queer sex in particular. Now anytime I think about anal pleasure for myself I start feeling really insecure, embarrassed, anxious, and then I get upset that I’m so sex positive on the blog and yet so sex negative when it comes to myself sometimes.
Would kinda like that to stop now, please.
Grooming Issues & Body Insecurity
I have a really fucking weird relationship with my body hair. On one hand, fuck everyone’s expectations of me I’m gonna be a fat, hairy enby and proud as fuck about it! On the other hand, some parts of my body are much, MUCH hairier than others and one of those spots just so happens to bee my ass and asshole; which may not be the biggest issue in and of itself BUT when combined with the aforementioned internalized shame feels it’s certainly not fucking helping with the insecurity and self-conscious body feels.
Now, I kind of loathe shaving or doing any kind of grooming at the best of times. Like, just physically speaking I abhor doing it. It grows back really thick and fast all the time and due to having dry, sensitive skin I’m prone to more ingrown hairs and skin irritation from doing it. And I’m really not joking when I say that I am one hairy queer and when I do decide to groom an area it causes this fucking chain reaction of having to match everything because the rest is so thick, and that’s fucking exhausting and takes a long ass time.
So, I don’t typical do a ton of body grooming… yet not doing so keeps me from playing with my prostate on my own or with others.
Vicious cycles, y’all. Vicious cycles…
Which is a goddamn shame because I have a GREAT butt. Here are some pics of it groomed.
I’ve struggled with stomach problems all of my life. Most of it is a symptom of my anxiety and depression but in recent years I’ve also learned I’ve got some lactose intolerance and IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) issues too. Yay!
What that means though is that during times of really heavy stress I have a lot of gastrointestinal problems and, unsurprisingly, that results in some pretty rough shits. As a result, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs with inflamed hemorrhoids and I gotta say… that doesn’t make me feel very sexy LOL.
And like, even writing about it right now makes me feel super self-conscious and embarrassed so imagine how it feels when I want to maybe do butt stuff, but I’m self-conscious and getting hit by shame spirals which makes me MORE stressed and my stomach MORE upset and… look I’m pretty sure this is why I haven’t had a prostate orgasm since 2014.
What Am I Gonna Fucking Do About It All?
Well, I think it’s pretty goddamn clear that the problem here is shame. Body shame, social shame, internalized shame, just… a whole lot of fucking shame! And also IBS. And that majorly sucks. Thanks for helping me realize this, Monthly Fixation!
Now I’m not expecting sweeping changes overnight because that’s a great way to overwhelm the fuck outta myself and make shit even worse, however, after having written all of this out and really thinking about how much I’ve been holding myself back here too, I think I’m ready to take a few measurable steps. Here’s three things I’m going to prioritize this month:
- Take a look at what I’m consuming! I’m always going to have these stomach problems as part of my stress and anxiety symptoms BUT do I really need 2 or more cups of coffee a day too? No, probably not. Especially with all the milk and artificial creamers in there affecting my IBS. Maybe it’s time to ease back on the fucking diarrhea causing hot liquid a little in favor of some future assgasms!
- Just do the grooming anyways sometimes! Yeah, grooming body hair fucking sucks but if my ass hair REALLY bothers me so much that I’m denying myself all this pleasure from anal and prostate stimulation then maybe I just need to push myself to do it every now and then.
- Just touch my fucking butthole sometimes! Seriously, it’s not a fucking bear trap (unless I invite a bear home, RAWR!). I need to reconnect with the positive sexual pleasures of anal stimulation and one of the best ways for me to do that is to spend some quality time exploring it again myself. Note to self: make a date with the bathtub and a toy.
As for the actual shame side of things I just gotta talk to my partners and play friends, the ones who are comfortable with it, about slowly and comfortably reintroducing anal stimulation into things for me too. I know that Fal has wanted to but I keep saying no due to all that other stuff mentioned here.
Replacing my insecurities and anxieties with positive, affirming experiences of pleasure shared with people who want to make me feel good sounds like a pretty great plan though!
Writing about butt stuff this week earned me the Anal Fixation Badge as part of the Monthly Fixation challenge from the Trysexuals! Click on the peach to find out how you can participate too!
Before I go though, my SEO plugin says that I should probably say the words “Monthly Fixation” two more times for a post of this length… so… that was one and, uh… Monthly Fixation. There. That’s two. Thank you for you time!